Friday, August 4, 2017

Hey, Let's Pretend...or maybe not

hey, let’s pretend the devil isn’t real

hey, let’s pretend the devil isn’t showing up

hey, let’s pretend that we aren’t the ones inviting the devil in for a talk

For the past two months the girls have been home for Summer break. I wish I could say we’ve been busy at the pool or working up a good sweat on the trampoline, but honestly they’ve been watching a lot of T.V. and playing video games. I am not about to break into mom guilt here. 

In the middle of their fighting and bickering I have heard so much, “Hey, let’s pretend…” followed by an even sweeter saying like, “Hey let’s pretend I am the mom and this our house”, “Hey, let’s pretend we are going to a ball”. I can always count on hearing Morgan’s pure innocence showing through her tiny voice saying, “Hey, Bekah, let’s pretend…”

I long for that innocence, if I could only change the circumstances in life with, “Hey, let’s pretend…” I tried “Hey, Matt, let’s pretend we have no bills to pay!”. It didn’t work, I still had to pay bills. And believe me I have tried, “Hey, let’s pretend the devil isn’t real” followed by “Hey, let’s pretend the devil isn’t showing up”. How did that turn out, you ask?

Well, a couple of week ago during service my close, really close, friends sang To Love by Kip Fox (see video below) and though I stood strong, in that moment I could have curled up in a ball right there in front of my pew and just cried. 

to love 
to every time we’d ever given up 
to the humble King who came to rescue us
who knows the scars we have 
who finds us in our deepest pain 
and always brings us back
to love 

I didn’t want to attend service that morning. I didn’t want to see people and sure didn’t want to be surrounded by love. Why? 

Because I was in a slow dance with the devil. 

I had spent the two hours prior to service beating myself up in front of the mirror. I called myself “fat”. I called myself “ugly”. I called myself “old”. I screamed “you’re hopeless, you will never get your life together.” I am fully aware of areas where my talents excel and I’m also fully aware of areas where no talent exists what so ever. When the devils shows up the areas where I am talentless are so magnified that it’s hard to see where God has given me talent to work for his glory. I only see a hopeless failure that should give up. 

Hey, so let’s pretend that we aren’t the ones inviting the devil in for a talk!

This video came across my Facebook feed last night in a kind of “You are not listening, so let me tell you through social media. Love God” way. It stung because I did let the devil in, I did create this environment that let him slither his way into my life. Now, you will watch the video above and hear some of the adjective Priscilla is using and you may raise and eyebrow. I have lived a raggedy lifestyle before, I am not there, again, but I am also not living in alignment with God’s word. It’s the small cracks that let the devil in, it’s chasing perfection till you are near exhaustion. That is one big area for me, attempting to live up to the unattainable standard that I have engrained into my head. If I get to that perfect image of myself then I will have been successful, then I can chill out, but until then I will drive myself insane and beat myself up daily for not being there yet. 

You guys. I know I have told you this before, right? I’ve told you about this fight that I live in - grasping a clawing for this perfection. Perfection that seems further away the closer I get to it. Have you ever had one of those dreams where you are running toward something and you’re like “dang, I’ve been running for like a year now and the thing I am running towards still looks miles away.” That  is my “perfect me”…it looks like a little speck and as much as I run towards it it pulls further and further away. As I run towards the perfection and push away truths about myself that God wants me to hold onto, like my husband’s statement to me a few weeks ago. When he said “people genuinely like you” I pushed it aside and thought, “nope, they like that perfect me that I can’t seem to catch. She’s better than the me that I am right now”. 

As I am writing this I went to find scripture to change my thoughts. I am telling you it took me thirty minutes to find my bible. Yes, I still use a real, touch and feel it, bible instead of an app. I finally found it buried under a stack of work papers and bills in my office where I left it about a month ago. I will let that sentence sink in for a moment. This is one of those areas where my life is not the example you want to live by, but the warning you need to see. If your bible is buried, unable to be found, not opened for months than you are most definitely are creating an environment where the devil will flourish. 

And trust me you will see him in your work. You will see him in your interactions with your children. You will see him in your relationship with your husband. An unused bible is a just breading ground for his destructive lies that will consume your life. Trust me. 

Heavenly Father, 

I know, I truly, truly know that you are the way. You are my only hope. You are the only one that I can stand before as a hotness with all my imperfections showing and you see nothing but pure beauty. Pure beauty even when I deserve to be seen with all my warts (I don’t have warts…maybe I should use zits…I have those!). You know the scars I have, but you love me. Lord, help me remember that, remain patient and continue to redirect me. Lord, help me to see that is impossible to live righteously when I place piles of work and bills on top of your word, when I push away your truth for a perfection. I don’t need perfection to be loved by you, but I need you.  Fuel me with the desire to change the way my life looks today. Help to also see that the love I want to show others is not possible until I love myself, at least a little - baby steps, right? I can not pretend this, I have to live in your word. 

In your amazing son’s name I pray! Amen. 

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