There is an Ellie Holcomb songs that goes,
Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength
They will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint
And like a flight upon an eagle’s wings, He will give the weary strength
So lift your eyes up to the sky
To the one who hears you when you cry
It played this evening as I was driving alone. I found myself grasping onto the words, embracing what feels like are just hopes, praying for strength, praying to not grow weary, praying to not be faint.
You see twenty-four hours from now my voice will play out through the radio waves in Houston and in Austin. My story will be shared with a listening audience of, wait for it, 20,000.
20,000 people, seriously.
And that is just the first night. My interview will re-play in Georgia and in Kansas and in Wisconsin.
To be completely transparent with you, the Lord and I have been battling this for a good week now. While I have been knocking myself down (telling myself that I am not capable, that I am going to stumble, I am going to choke - I am going to say the wrong things), God has been there urging me along.
I can’t do this.
Yes, you can - I am here and I will be there. Open your mouth and I will give you the words.
But, more that 20,000 people? I am not qualified for that.
I am not asking you convert a single soul, that’s my job. I am asking you to share the story I wrote for your life with them.
It almost feels like I am typing a skit guy’s video. (love them)
2 Timothy 3:17 has played in my head over and over again this week -
so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.
Why do I fight it?
I will tell you that my purpose (I know for a fact - 110%) is to reach the women like me, to give hope to those who are sitting in a life that is drowning them in shame, grief, self-hate. God saved me from myself, over and over again. God saved me for this.
But dang it, that fact doesn’t make this any less nerve wracking.
Here in print, I am not as awkward (thanks to that delete key) than am live in person. I get nervous, I resort to inappropriate humor and pronounce things wrong. Oh man, I apologize for things that have nothing to do with me. I’ve been know to say, “I am sorry” for the sun that is shining.
And can I just say that the world winsome has put such fear into me? I am shacking my head, it’s silly, I know. Of all the words in our language, winsome is one I have never used and seriously I never in a million years thought that would be something that could describe me. And that, ladies and gentle, is me beating myself down. This is the moment where just about all of my girlfriends want to shake me.
When will I ever start believing that I am capable, that I can help so many, that my story is amazing? Umm, I am not sure, because even though I don’t feel an ounce capable, even though I feel just as Moses did:
Moses said to the LORD, "Pardon your servant, Lord. I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue."
I am so grateful for my story, what I have come out of, and I am thankful that just as he said to Moses
"Now then go, and I, even I, will be with your mouth, and teach you what you are to say."…
He says to me.
Oh, man, God is amazing - His timing is even humorous. I’ve had headphone in while writing this and as I have written these are the songs that have played.
At the Cross (Love Ran Red) by Chris Tomlin: There’s a place where sin and shame are powerless, where my heart has peace with God.
Forever Reign by One Sonic Society: You are peace, you are peace when my fear is crippling
None But Jesus by Hillsong United: When You call I won’t refuse
Then, Everlasting God by Chris Tomlin
And just incase, Him speaking to me through music wasn’t enough, I get a text from Pastor Schultz (who will be interviewing me tomorrow) that says, “Blessing on your thoughts. May your evening be one of peace” right in the middle of all those songs. it’s as if God is saying, “take a deep breath, I’ve got this.”
These are the events that leave me sitting in front of my computer, hand over mouth, just ugly crying all over my keyboard. These are the moments when I am amazed, taken back and overwhelmed by the amazing love that I never for a single minute deserved, but received through grace.
So, 800 words later I am at peace. Even after hearing that I will be video taped and my video will also be shared, I am at peace (though rummaging through my closet in my mind at this very moment - what will I wear?!?!)
Here are the details about tomorrow (Sunday, April 10th):
If you are in the Houston area I will be on KKHT The Word, 100.7FM Houston from 7:00-8:00pm (central time).
The broadcast will also play live in Austin on KTXW (AM 1120).
Or you can listen, through life stream here: http://www.kkht.com/ (click “listen live” in the upper right hand corner).
My interview will replay on these stations on these days, times:
WFAM (AM 1050) Augusta, GA - Saturday, April 16th at 6pm
KCNW (AM 1380) Kansas City, KS - Saturday, April 16th at Noon
WJYI (AM 1340) Milwaukee, WI - Sunday, April 17th 6:30pm
KLNG (AM 1560) Omaha, NE/Council Bluffs, IA - Saturday, April 16th, 10am
WITK (AM 1550) Wilkes-Barre/Scranton, PA - Wednesday, April 13th at 6pm
Also, next week you can find my interview on Evangelical Life Ministries’ website: http://www.elmhouston.org/houston_radio_ministry_programs.htm
Thank you all so much for your continued support and prayers.
I don't feel I can end this without share the amazing blurb (I know there is a more educated word for this, but it's lost in my mind) that an truly amazing, truly winsome, friend wrote for me:
Dana Bahn lives a modern-day resurrection story with many Biblical parallels. Her choices, which tore at the fabric of morality, left her condemned, alone and broken. Yet, she has a welcoming, forgiving, and healing God. It has not been easy, but through the powerful work of Jesus, she has been restored with confidence, guided to a loving husband, gifted with three beautiful daughters, learned the incredible forgiveness of God and given a platform to share her renewed life with many. Join Dana with host David Schultz to hear of her redemptive story.