Saturday, August 1, 2015

The Lie: Just Get Past the Sidewalk

I don’t plan to take a formal stance and say “this is what I believe about the Plan Parenthood issue”. As I was thinking about it last week, though, I wrote this and want to share it with you. 

I think the lie you tell yourself (and you believe because you so wish for it to be true) is that when you exit an abortion clinic and make it past the protestors (or others that are there to save you) that it is done. The pain is done and even though through the drugs they gave you, you still remember what just happened you believe that after a few sleeps those memories will disappear. You believe it because you want to forget this physical pain and you want to forget any of this happened - every bit that led you to make this decision. You believe it will be gone if you get past that sidewalk. 

What women, like me, do not understand is none of that lie is true. Oh, you can push it down deep inside of you and try to keep it there with the help of drugs and alcohol (at least that was my story). 

Most days it will not gnaw at you - you know it is there, but it does not encompass your mind. Even after you have accepted forgiveness through Jesus Christ, it’s still there. A scabbed over wound you think has healed fully. 

But there will be days where it will be raw and wide open. A headline will catch you off your guard and you will think, “What did I do?” On those days you will question God’s forgiveness - how can anyone forgive what you have done. Seven or even 23 years later you will look at your reflection in the mirror with dislike, even hate. Then you mourn. You will cry. You will wish you could go back and change time. Then you will cry some more. 

You wish the lie were true - just get past the sidewalk and it’s over. You’ll always wish the memories ended at the sidewalk, but it doesn’t. The fact that you have been a part of ending a life (or lives in my case) never goes away. 

I can not take a stance about what is going on because I cannot bring myself to watch the videos. And since I refuse to educate myself about the situation I cannot express my opinion. I know that what little I have read made me shudder and sent my memory right back into that room. I am sorry, but if I stay in that room remembering all the details I will fall apart. 

Please do not believe I am taking the easy way out, I have put myself back in that room many times. I remember the light, the smell, the entire event and I have worked really really hard to accept the forgiveness given to me through our Savior. They make a lot of things perfectly clear as you go through this, but the one thing they never really tell you is that it doesn’t end at the sidewalk - it is with you forever.  

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