It’s been my intention to write for days now, maybe weeks, well lets just say that it was never my intention to stop writing almost two months ago. Can I have a minute to just say that time passes way too quickly - how has it been two months already?
Life lately has been pretty normal for my family. Matt took a new job and it’s clear across Houston, but hey it’s a job that he really enjoys. That is such a blessing. Shelby is doing well in school and going through normal 13 year-old behavior. The littles are good. We are STILL trying to master potty training.
As for me. Urgh. Ehhhh. I am in some kind of mid-life/not so mid-life (seeing as how I’m just 37) crisis. I’m stuck in a “what do I want to be when I grow up” funk. No, actually, an all around life funk.
That funk is the reason this blog post by Meg resonated with me on all kinds of levels. Please stop reading and go here: http://www.megduerksen.com/2014/12/11/thursday-morning-thoughts/
See what I mean. I wouldn’t say what I am about to share with you is what caused my not so mid-life funk, but it sure did send my funkiness in to a whole new realm.
Around my birthday I wound up in a head on collusion with my past. Don’t you just hate that? Seriously, God has been working on me for months. I could feel his nudges, him slightly pushing me towards the realization that I had to let some secrets out into the light. It was time to let my husband, my family, my friends know where I come from. I’ve been fighting it for seven years.
Why fight letting it out? Well mostly because there is a time in my past that is yucky, really, really yucky. There were things I was put through, things I did and things I did to others that I would never want anyone to live through - much less tell anyone that I lived through them. I made mistakes - some big nasty mistakes in my life. Mistakes that came back to haunt me recently.
I know I’m being vague and you are saying “just tell us already,” but for now, for today let me just heal and then I will share. I can tell you this that the one singular thing that I want you to know out of all of this is I AM NOT MY MISTAKES! Yep, I’m screaming it - mainly to myself.
I AM NOT MY MISTAKES
The other night I was getting ready to go be an ambassador for our church by greeting people who were visiting for Christmas program. The devil had a hold of me bad. Thoughts ran through my head like Why would they want me there. I am just trash. I don’t belong there.
I have tears in my eyes right now typing out those thoughts. Oh man, I can’t stand them but that’s what I’m facing - I’ve got to be nicer to myself. I have to believe what I tell you - that I am not that girl from seven years ago. It’s not easy and God is working on me hard. Somedays it’s easy for Him and somedays I fight everything He wants me to be.
I AM NOT MY MISTAKES, but my mistakes are my story. My past is my story same as my process of getting through all of this is my story. I so want to share it, I so want it to matter for something more that a deep dark yuckiness that a carry with me each day.
I am more sinful and flawed than I ever dared believe,
more loved and welcomed than I ever dared hope.
Elyse M. Fitzpatrick
That quote was pulled from The Greatest Gift by Ann Vozkamp. I’ve been reading it this month. Let me tell you something positive - when I came clean with secrets to my husband and my family I was so scared. I just knew that I would be seen as a fake, that they would second guess my intentions or my love for Matt. Or maybe they would freak and be appalled. Want to know what I received without any hesitation? Love. Pure, grace filled love. (Again, crying as I type). That is so what I’ve needed for years. I needed to know that even when I show all of my yuck that I have kept closed off that I am still loved.
As I have this book sitting in front of me let me share these words from Ann:
What was intended to tear you apart, God intends it to set you apart.
What has torn you, God makes a thin place to see glory.
Deep breath in, breathe out. I need those words.
Speaking of words, if you know me you know that music (not that I can sing at all) is such a healing force for me. Last week we sang this song during service. Please listen to words.
All this pain
I wonder if I'll ever find my way?
I wonder if my life could really change at all?
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
Read more: Gungor - Beautiful Things Lyrics | MetroLyrics
I leave you with this video. Thank you for your prayers and thank you for your love.