Thursday, June 26, 2014

Writing About Not Writing

Why don't a write more?

I love to write. Writing is good for me. People enjoy reading what I write.

I think that I think about it too much...the process of writing. I find myself filtering what I want to say so much that entire blogs get deleted before they are even typed.

Then sometimes I write entire blogs in my head while I am lying in bed unable to sleep...that's been happening a lot - the unable to sleep and the story telling in my head without the energy to to stumble across my room at night to find a pen. Too afraid to wake up Matt who works so hard during the day.

I'm still working on me or shall I say God is still working on me. Either way I'm not complete yet. I'm still in an odd limbo between stages in my life. I see glimpses of who I wish to be. I pull parts from people I admire, people I've met recently. I think "oh I love the way she tells stories", "I love her hair", "I love they was she isn't afraid to be herself". Maybe I'll be complete when I'm not afraid totally be myself...I would have to actually realize what "totally myself" is though.

I'm rambling. It's almost 9 pm. The pans from my throw-it-together taco dinner are still on the stove and the smell of Bekah's sandals has taken over the area of the kitchen where I am sitting. There is still food on the floor from lunch, oh man there is still food on the floor from lunch, and somewhere inside of my head there is a small OCD voice that is screaming that the ants are going to come back if I don't sweep soon. All my other ADD voices are drowning it out because I have sewing to do and laundry and I have to mail a package to a customer that has been sitting in my front room for weeks (sorry) and I need to exercise and not eat anything else tonight. Oh man I sound mental.

That has been a huge thing for me lately: exercise and food. It's just a never ending frustration for me. I can't pinpoint that exact thing that is going to keep motivated past 1 pm each day. Mornings are good, lunch is fair, then I find myself diving into a bowl of M&M's or stress eating two cupcakes during VBS. Part of me gets so angry with myself and the other part just wants to take more naps. I've been sitting at this comfortable pre-pregnancy weight for awhile now. It was easy to get off my baby weight that resulted from Bekah and Morgan, but what I really want to get of the weight from when I had Shelby (almost 13 years ago).

I really didn't intend for this post to turn into a weight loss post.

Matt just called on his way home from work and derailed my entire train of thought. I love my husband. I love that my husband is a hard worker and a great supporter for our family, but I dislike my husband's hours. I dislike that my husband works so long and hard that he pretty much sleeps when he is at home.All this really makes me miss my husband.

At night when you sit in my kitchen you can hear an odd animal noise on my back porch. It's a squeak or maybe a's odd and I hope it's a feathered friend and not a rodent. This house or maybe the area where we live seems to be over run with spiders. They are everywhere. Little ones and big ones. They don't bother me as much as they do my husband, but don't him I told you that okay?

If Matt and I can get on the same page we are going to collaborate and create a bible study. We want to share bible stories or shall I say bible events that maybe people had forgotten since their days in Sunday School or maybe if you are like me where never given the opportunity as a child to learn. Anyway let me tell you as I have read through the bible there are somethings that I had to read again and think " this really the Bible that I am reading." Like do you know what happened to Noah once he made it off the Ark? I challenge you to open your bible and read the entire story of Noah. He story does not end with the water receding. There are many stories that would be put today's reality television to shame and the same time teach us volumes about God's love for us. Maybe I should start drafting some lessons guarantees. I love it though, I love to learn - I just wish I had more energy and brain power.

I am still excited to see what God has in store for me and for my family here in this new place and please know I am not as mentally unbalanced as the post appears. I have good days and I have bad days. I am still healing from our move and still working to make myself better all the way around.

I think after once this week of VBS ends I need to keep things simple. I need to read daily, write almost daily and probably sweep up the leftovers from lunch once lunch is over each day. I need to focus on my schedules and get back on track instead of chasing the squirrels in my life. I need to relax, but not too much. But above all...I need to start loving me again - I really do.That's an entire series of posts for another time. I think I've said just enough to worry my mother in this post.

Good Night.

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