Saturday, May 31, 2014

The First Step: Admitting It.

Let me just thank you in advance for any encouraging comments you will leave due to this post, but I'm not writing in search of complements. 

I'm writing today to identify and heal.

I've sat through enough AA meetings (not for myself personally) to know what the first step of getting myself right is: Admitting I have a Problem or in this case  Admitting There is a Problem.

It's time for me to step-up and say, "Yes, this move has kicked by butt" more mentally than physically.

Back when Matt was interviewing in Houston and there was a strong chance we were leaving North Texas my mother in-law (MommaB) shared a document with me about The Stages of Transition. It was something that was being drafted to help the wive's of pastors due there transition from one congregation to another (which is something that happens in the Lutheran denomination - more than I've experienced in other denominations). Due to reading the document I thought I knew what I was in for, but man it's been way harder then I ever thought it would be.

In one word: HURT. A hurt that leads me to tears as I write this. A hurt that brings be back to being 12 and leaving life as I knew it in North Texas for a life on South Padre Island, minus the bullying I dealt with as a 7th grader in a new school. I have been treated wonderfully here in my new home.

But the pain of the move still feels the same. It feels like a death - not of someone close to me, but a death of me (over dramatic much?). I can't really put it all into words, but this feeling started before I left. When I knew we were definitely leaving I started backing away from friendships and my involvement in our home church. And do you know what happened? Life moved on without me. My friends still hung out without me and even thought it's stupid to feel hurt since I was the one who pulled away, to guard my heart, it hurt, bad. URGH, it wasn't supposed to...that's not what I planned, but with every group pictures posted on Facebook the wound grew larger. And because I closed off and didn't speak-up they never knew until this post. And looking back on it I probably hurt others while trying to protect myself from hurt - what a yucky cycle.

I've lost my core friends before when I divorced Brad and to deal I turned my hurt into anger - not healthy. Today I need to remember that I didn't lose a single friends, but due to distance and our common core (my former home church) things have shifted a bit. With that shift I feel like I'm off kilter some. Like I somehow lost myself with this move. My faith, my creativity, my self love isn't the same as it was this time last year.

So where do I go from here?

Well, I feel like the Stages of Transition were true. I am to the point after almost three month to start getting involved in my new community. My home church here in Houston feels even more like home since I get to hear sermon's from JAGdad almost every Sunday. Even though I am still healing and this all really stinks, I can't deny how blessed I am. And if you know me (or read this blog) you know that grief is my least favorite emotion of all, but I believe this is God's plan for me. He's using this to mold me and tweak me some. I'm very excited to meet the me (hopefully sooner than later because His tweaks are not comfortable).

Please don't feel pity for what I am going through at this moment, but pray for me.

I feel with getting this out I've started my journey to healing.

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