Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Frustrated and Lost

I know - two posts in one day, but to be honest I wrote this morning's post yesterday. I knew it would be too hard to write the post on the actual anniversary of James' passing.

Today I am so blah. I am not sure what it is. Could be the date or could be the pure frustration I am having with my body and my doctor - not with Morgan, she's perfect.

Yesterday I found out that all my blood work came back fine again and I should be happy and relived  but I am still stuck in this body that is killing me (a bit over dramatic I know). I am tired and I am tired of itching.

And to be honest I am scared. I've read too much and done too much research at this point. I just want it over.

My doctor now believes that I have pruritic urticarial papules (PUPPS). This is frustrating because one of the main signs of PUPPS is a rash and itching that starts on your abdomen - which I have not had either. He stopped any further blood work to check my Bile Acid and Liver Function and he has started me on steroids. (Steroids for that is supposed to help with PUPPS, not steroid injections for Morgan's lungs).

He also has no concern that my amniotic fluid is up to 35 cm (normal I am told is 7 to 27 cm). 

I don't know how I feel. Well, yes I do. I feel like I don't want to be treated like I am making this up or that I am impatient and just want this pregnancy over with. I am concerned! 

In dealing with ICP and a large amount of amniotic fluid the statement "still born" pops up again and again for pregnancies that go full term. In both cases they strongly suggest early delivery which my doctor will not discuss. Today when asked about my fluid and going full term he said "your body may not let you" and that was the end of his discussion. He also didn't schedule me for another sonogram even though the sonogram tech's concern seems to increase weekly. I know it's not her place to diagnose, but I have seen her once a week for the past month and I can tell there is something going on. 

I do have an appointment on Thursday morning with a specialist and I hope to ask questions and get real answers. I know the risks, now I want someone to say that they know them too so we can lay out a plan for the next few weeks. 

All of this has led me to a lost feeling. I struggle with possibility of someone looking from the outside and saying that I am not grateful for what I have. I have close friends who are struggling to have a child or who have lost pregnancies. I know that they would trade places with me in a heart beat. Urgh.  I hope I am making sense. I want this pregnancy so much and I want a healthy baby girl - I think that is the key. 

I want a healthy baby and I feel (you know those mother's feelings) that I need to deliver Morgan in the next few weeks instead of waiting another 4 weeks. I would rather deliver her healthy at 37 weeks then take the chance that something will happen holding out to 39 weeks. I know it's two weeks, but Morgan's life could change in the next five minutes (couldn't everyone's). See what I am struggling with here?

My other struggle is how to you fight against a doctor who has a caboodle (is that a number or a make-up case?) of years of experience, was the top OB at the local hospital for years and has delivered two other healthy girls for you. 

I keep hearing "Trust in the Lord" over and over, but I am struggling - also why I am feeling lost. I have not official let this go to him. I know I have to and when I do things will be fine. It reminds me of a story in one of Lysa Terkeurst's books (this won't be an exact quote, at least not today, because I don't have it in front of me). There was a couple who had a daughter with serious complications (I cannot remember what). The mother struggled to let it go to God mainly because she felt if she didn't fight then God would think she didn't want that baby. Oh, I am about to cry...that's it - that sums up my feelings. I am afraid if I don't fight tooth and nail for her myself instead of giving it to him that he might decide I'm not ready for her yet. URGH! Doesn't that sound just stupid? But that's what I am dealing with...I know better - I do. 

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