Thursday, January 6, 2011

Getting Deep: Beating Myself Up

Are you harder on yourself then you are on others? Are you always quick to forgive others, but never can seem to let something go that you did yourself?

Recently I messed up in epic proportions. I made a mistake and it is resolved, all is well, but for the past two days I have been sick from beating myself up about it. No, I am not going to tell you what it was – it is over – and no it had nothing to do with JAG. I mean it Mom, it’s over so don’t call and ask what it was.

All is well and forgiven, but why am I still harping on it internally? I have prayed, but has I normally do - which I am trying to get over - I ask for forgiveness and then say to myself “he will for give you – God – but you still messed this one up big time – you know better – urgh I can’t believe you.”

I know that some would believe that I am committing a major sin by not forgiving myself. That one would believe that not forgiving my past sins is a form of pride – that I have put myself higher then others. In my heart I do not believe that is the case at all – I am never one to put myself higher then anyone, but there are times I can be so disappointed with my own actions that I just want to cry – yeap still dealing with the hormones.

I know I will come out of this, but it seems as if this week I am in the mood to beat myself up. For instance I made an off hand comment earlier today, it was a small commentary that did not need to be included in my discussion. I said “I really don’t like her.” No, I am not going to tell you who the “her” is just know it’s not any of you. Anyway as soon as it came out of my mouth my next thought was “Urgh you shouldn’t have said that.”

I really need to get past this and remember that every mistake I make in life is a learning experience – trust me I have learned – I have PhD in learning by my mistakes. I am how I am, faults and all – and most times I am a nice girl woman.

I leave you with this, it has helped.

For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome.
Jeremiah 29:11

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