Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Wish for a Sister Relationship

I am not sure the last time my sister and I were consider “close.” I have thought about for sometime now and I guess it would be before we moved to South Texas, maybe even before then.

Normally when people ask about it I say

“I am fine”
“not a big deal”
“it’s just the way we are”
“we have learned the distance works for us.”

But yesterday I read this blog that Shawni posted. I am not sure if it is my apparent hormone imbalance or my father’s cancer, but it got to me.

I really wish I had a “sister relationship” with my sister.

I am sure that everyone knows some one who is best friends with their sister or maybe you are. Take that example and then go to the complete opposite end of the spectrum and you will find us.

It’s indescribable how our relationship functions (or doesn’t function). We do well for a period of time mainly communicating by Facebook or email and then we have a disagreement which leads us apart again. I don’t think it is one-side, I think that we both just chose not to communicate with each other. We will tell each other “happy birthday,” but some years that was the only communication we had.

For me personally, I have spent sometime trying to get over hurt that occurred thirteen years ago and realizing that my sister was not at fault. She was not in a good place either at that time. Maybe I am not letting her in because of it.

This all sounds really sad, right? I wish I could change it, but I have no idea how. We are running on 20 years like this. In the end it will just be the two of us, we have no other siblings. I wish we did then I could ask that person how to communicate with my sister.

I don’t know where to start or how to even try to get a relationship started with someone who is eight hours from me. Maybe I should just send a card. I need to do it for my mother (who worries, but understands), for my father (who doesn’t get it), for Shelby (who would love to have an aunt) and for myself.

I deserve a sister…a sister who remembers Christmases with the Moulders.

A sister who stayed right by me when I was injured in a carnival ride at the age of six.

A sister who understands my father way more then I do.

I miss her.

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