Monday, April 19, 2010

It’s Better on the Other Side.

In my opinion at least.

In case you hadn’t heard or been here…I haven’t been on my best behavior during the past two years. I had what I call newly divorced syndrome. Symtoms include drinking way too much, drinking too often and not having any real care for myself. I think I spent a big part of it trying to get rid of the pain, then trying to get rid of the pain of being alone.

I don’t think I was a bad person or that I was doing things in the wrong way…I was dealing. I can say though…I was putting the wrong things first.

This became completely clear during a phone call with a parent of one of Shelby’s friends. The statement that was made was “Shelby told us that “mommy drinks a whole bottle of wine at a time.”” Meh…she saw that.

I never claimed to be a perfect mother, far from it at points. I in no way want to appear to be Betty Crocker perfect, but at the same time I don’t want to go back there. I don’t want the hurt. I acknowledge all my wounds were self inflicted; no one but me was responsible for the situations and the pain I put myself through.

I don’t think I ever lost sight of God in my life, but I do acknowledge that my spirituality is more apparent today then it was this time last year. If you know me you saw it pop in and out of my life as I tried to correct the behavior that was spiraling out of control.

I really do not want to seem or appear fake. In no way is my relationship with JAG perfect…we have our ups and downs. There are things we deal with, but I chose to keep those things in my journal and not here for the reason that there are many things that should be kept between him and me.

What you read, my daily actions are in no way me trying to be like someone else or trying to one-up anyone. This is me. I feel like I am more myself today then I was this time last year. I am still fun, I just can be fun sober. I try to be the fun that my daughter can be a part of. I love more then anything the feeling of a healthy relationship with Shelby, a healthy relationship with JAG and a healthy Dana.

I am sorry if you think that is fake, but it feels better to be on the other side of the storm that was my life, out side of the drama that I chose to fill my life with.

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