Wednesday, March 3, 2010

When Things Hit Home

When things hit home what do you do? Do you run and hide? Do you get angry? Do you ask “why me” or “Why my family?” Do you go into denial? Do you talk? Pray?

Ten minutes ago my father went into his first surgery. Almost a month ago my father was diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma. He has been admitted into MD Anderson in Houston for testing. Today he had a biopsy of his throat and vocal box. We are sitting and waiting. I am in Dallas at work, but my mother is sitting there in a waiting room. Meh…makes me sad to think about what the two of them are going through. Makes me sad to think this came on the heels of mom’s retirement.

This time when things hit home I sat and re-evaluated my faith. My walk, where I was on my path and how far I had slipped.

I think in a time like this you find two types of people…people who question God and God’s plane. They question everything the have ever known. They ask “If there is a God then why do we have suffering?” Then there is the person who was a semi-unbeliever who becomes all encompassed with the word for their period of suffering. I don’t think either is bad or wrong, but I don’t want to be seen as either.

Yes I will question. I question everything…I have questions everyday. I also don’t want to been seen as someone who has found her faith due to this event in my life. I have always had my faith. I will go to scripture for answers and pray for help in dealing. Along with prayer to stay on the right thinking track.

I wish to not be call “fake” or a “hypocrite.” Not that I think you would call me that. I just wanted to make that statement because I have seen some friends accuse other friends of those offenses lately. I can’t believe with everything going on that that is one of my fears…to be judged badly by my friends. Odd…that that is a feeling to have at this moment in time. Normally I could care less, but I think when things hit home like this that you become more sensitive of everything around you.

I am not sure at this point what you will see from me in the weeks to come…could be anger…could be scripture…songs…quotes (I LOVE quotes). I don’t know what it will be because I don’t yet what will be.

All I can do in the moment is pray…pray for the Lord to lay his hands on my father today. Meh…makes me want to cry.

JAG says “You will be ok.” Not that things will be ok, but in the end I will be ok. He gives me such peace during this time. So glad God sent him to me.

All I ask my friends is that you keep my father in your prayers…also I could use kid gloves for a few days. A hug would be nice, too.

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