Friday, February 14, 2020

Getting My Sh*t Together

Today is Valentine's Day.

February 14, 2020. Honestly, I have dreaded this day for many weeks.

Today I will also travel with four women {three I've never met before} to a placed called Land of My Grandfathers.

My bags are not packed, yet.

I have not fully completed my pre-work, yet.

My anxiety about today is not gone, yet.

But today is the day that I start getting my shit together {sorry}.

Today is the day that I start getting my life together.

Those are two sentiments that I express often to myself and others. "Well, you need to get your life together." "I'm getting my shit together."

Part of my pre-work was to ask those close to me for three things they liked about me and three things they disliked (would like to change). Each response echo'd the one before and the single thing that stuck out more that others is the fact that I have very little love for myself.

I have done years of work to get over hurts and push past shame, but I still have not master the ability to have compassion and love for myself.

This has been so hopelessly apparent in the last three {almost four} years. I have allowed myself to disregard the positive and only see {and hear} the negatives. 

This behavior has spilled out into my relationships. I have purposefully let people down so that they would pull themselves away from me. I have not returned phone calls and texts. I've ghosted so many people who love me dearly.

I have let opportunities to spread my story of hope fall apart. Why would anyone see hope in the person I have allowed myself to become.

I wanted to say that I have been so far away from God - the furthest I've been in way over a decade. But I know that is untrue. I may be attempting to pull away, but there is peace knowing that He is here even when I am fighting him. {a little ray of sunshine for you}

This weekend I am going somewhere that is designed to challenge you to take a hard look at what is and not working in your life. We give you the opportunity to wrestle with God and discover new truths about yourself — and embrace your God-given masculinity or femininity.

Sounds like a blast, right? On the day of love I get to go wrestle with God and come out the other side loving myself. 

The packing list said to bring clothing that can get wet, dirty or destroyed. Yep, this will not be a pampering weekend. 

I have been through many healing weekends. I trust me - I fully see God's hand in the fact that four years ago this week I felt the same nervousness as I prepared myself to face the process of abortion recovery and healing thought Rachel's Vineyard. And I remember to positives of that weekend along with the positive things that came out my 5-day Grief to Grace retreat

I know this isn't going to be fun. I know that I will cry. I know that it's going to take work and that I have to be present in that work. And I just don't want to do it, but I know it will good. It might even be one of the best things I've done for myself, but right now I don't believe a single word of that. Right now I want to get back in bed. 

Seriously, though, I saw how positive this same process was for Matt a few years ago. I have sat through many graduations from these weekends. I have seen lives changes, but dang it's hard to want to walk into the process to change my own life. It's difficult to dig out of the nice hole I've made for myself. 

So it's time. Time to get my life together. 

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