Tuesday, January 9, 2018

Four Questions

As I have said before I do not set resolutions in the New Year and there is a 90% that any personal goals set for me will not be met. I was given a pre-release copy of Jon Acuff’s new book, Finish and had big hopes to improve my percentage, but, well, I never finished Finish. This is my life! 

This year questions came to mind instead of goals. This year I have four questions that I want to answer. Pretty doable, right?

One: Where do I come from? 
Ah, the continuation of my family research that has been sparked again by watching Coco in the beginning of December. I want to know who my ancestors were. What are their stories? What do future generations need to know? How can preserve the legacies from past generations?

Two: What is wrong with me?

Probably not a “mom approved” question to ask myself, but I am not seeing it as a search for the many imperfections of my life. I have, somewhat silently, struggled with some health issues this past year. And,  honestly, transparently, I am avoiding finding the answer for one ailment because I really, really, don’t want to change some habits or some coping in my life. I honestly don’t want the searching for answers to prevent or stop the treatment of my ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). That subject brings so much fear, seriously, more fear than not determining what is wrong with a part of my body. Yes, I am aware of the stupidity in that statement and I hear your mother voices as you tell me that I really, really need to see someone about this, but I am also painfully aware of my life when my condition is untreated. 

Which leads me to the thought that I REALLY REALLY (I am aware that “really, really” is my go-to phrase for this post) want to be an expert on my condition. ADD effects so much of life. I want to know why and how I can do more to not be dependent on medication to get through what should be simple tasks. 

While we are on the topic of expert knowledge, I want to also be at an expert knowledge level about Alzheimer’s. You know the disease that runs so rampant in my family that it should be called, “He who should not be named”. Sorry, Harry Potter has been a big topic in our house since Matt has been re-reading and I have been reading the series since Thanksgiving. 

I can state the statistics of Alzheimer’s up one side and down the other, but I need to know the facts, I need to know the studies, I need to know what “they” believe I should do. Should I eat kale? Should I run? Should I meditate?  I don’t know what God has planned for my life and I don’t know if Alzheimer’s is part of his plan.  

And that statement leads me straight to question number three. 

Three: Why do I believe in Jesus?

And honestly, what do I believe about God? Do I believe God gives people Alzheimer’s? I want to live with a faith that is really truly faith and not just hope. 

I don’t feel as distant as I did before my healing process started over two years ago, but I am much more disconnected as I have been since. That disconnect has a ripple effect, you can see it in my husband, you can see it in my children and you can see it in my ability to write and create. 

Which brings me to asks, 

Four: How am I using my talents?

One thing I know for sure is my ability to share through the written word is  God-given. It’s a talent that has been here since I was very little. Besides English 101 at the community college in the Fall of ’96, I have not been trained in this skill. Honestly, I probably could use a good course in grammar. 

But where are my talents being used (or wasted)? 

If I had to pick one of those life focusing words for 2018 it would be “purpose”. How is this fulfilling my purpose? How is this helping my purpose? How is this keeping me from my purpose?

Shelby just walked in while I was writing this (in my journal), talked a bit and then said, “Okay, get back to your Jesus work.”

Yep, that’s what I need to do, get back to MY Jesus work. Remember to not neglect the purpose He has given my life, then plans He has for my talents. 

I love questions. I love digging deeper, hypothesizing what could be. Again, grammar. I am not sure if I am even using that word correctly, but, eh, it works for me. 

I am not sure what form this will take, I have no plans for question focused weekly blog entries because seriously my crazy mind would see that as a goal and you wouldn’t hear from me again until 2019. 

As always, I welcome your prayers as I walk through through these questions. And, I guess, I even welcome your motherly (or fatherly) lecturing about my health - bring it! (nicely, of course). 

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