Well, it may not be morning when you read this, but as I write this it’s 7:30….wait, no, 6:30 am.
I failed to share one of my biggest birthday gifts with the dog - the ability to get an extra hour of sleep. Don’t you just love this time change? Now if it would spur some cooler weather in NorthWest Houston, I would be delighted!
Today I am 39.
Dang. How did that happen?
I need to take a moment with that number because for some reason 39 is like full on adult.
This post was originally supposed to be called “Things I don’t want to take into my Forties” or “Things I am leaving in my thirties”. I have been compiling the list (unfortunately in my head) for awhile now.
The focus is still the same, but I have just be honest a minute. The last few months have been brutal for me. In every area of my life there has be struggles from my faith, to my health, to my marriage to my friendships. I sat at my desk last week and seriously thought, “If I make it to my birthday.” I am very grateful for an amazing husband who knows how to handle life when it’s overwhelming.
But I can’t do this for another year.
Wait, hold on, I don’t mean that “I can’t do life for another year”. Please breathe. I have no intentions of ending this party.
I can’t live in this , excuse my language, crap for another year. I can not continue to half-ass fight the devil for the next year. I have got to get up, put on some armor and go to battle.
I am not sure if you were with me when I turned thirty, but thirty wasn’t pretty. Thirty sparked a mid-life, led me to dye my hair cherry red and bleach blonde. Thirty was the year I stood up everything that was keeping me down and thirty was the year that my life spiraled out of control. Thirty included an affair, a divorce, a pregnancy, an abortion and a to put a cherry on the calendar year with an arrest in January after I turned 31. If you click on My Story above you can find all the details because I am sure someone who is new to the show just freaked a bit. Let me summarize that 30 was the absolute worst year of my life, so far.
Shall we move this along? My mother says, yes please!
Here are some of the things I jotted down that I plan to not take with me into my 40s.
1. About 40 pounds. I know, everyone’s least favorite subject, weight. I do believe this is less of a vanity thing at this point and more of a health thing. And probably a bit of a vanity thing. I will never have my 20 year old legs, but I can not take this extra fluffiness into my forties.
2. Money Management Skills of a 20 Year Old. I am not sure how many times I have said “We are not in our twenties” as we have sat down to figure out where money is coming from to pay for adult style bills. You know, air conditioner repairs, dental work for your children - the things you freak out about in your twenties, not in your thirties. Or at least I had hope to not still be freaking out about them in my thirties.
This word has so many subcategories. I am overjoyed by the fact that my anxiety over all has decrease tremendously. There are still days, like Friday, when headlines across Facebook (including the fact that Asps are at an all time high in Houston and I saw one outside on Tuesday) leave me a bit off-centered.
This year I want to leave behind the fear of speaking the truth (with grace, of course) and the fear to big things.
4. Avoidance. Ah, again, so many subcategories that I will not get into because, well, I am avoiding them. Avoidance is my MO, if you haven’t already noticed? It’s not healthy.
5. My lack of knowledge. I should elaborate here, but I need more coffee.
6. Whatever block is keeping me from creating. I will find it, I will knock it down and I will regain the part of me that I love so much. Well, I did create that trunk a few weeks ago, so it is still there in someways, but it’s not on fire like it used to be.
7. The inability to park in my garage. Otherwise known as “My Family Doesn’t Need All This Junk!”
8. Freaking out when people show up unexpectedly (read with 10 minutes notice). Otherwise know as Keep You House Clean or Get Over Yourself. I seriously freak, but please don’t let that stop you from coming. If me freaking stopped people from coming over, I would truly be alone forever.
9. Denying my Abilities. The horrible habit that I have for thinking I am NEVER doing a good job at anything. Which is most definitely fueled by number ten.
10. Seeking approval in All the Wrong Places. I keep waiting for when I am too old to give a crap about what others think of me - I have seen this in women before, it looks so peaceful there, they are so relaxed (and no, they are not dead).
So, 10 things, at least those are the ten I was able to pull from my mind yesterday.
I also wrote: now this is just a list - not an action plan- that’s a commitment. Am I ready for that? They are in no way a list of goals for the next year of my life. Yuck, goals!
Then, as I was getting ready, a memory played in my head.
I once knew a pastor took an entire year off “work” to read the bible all the way through.
Two thoughts: a. he must of been financially stable and gifted in money management. b. he had to have been doing more than just reading, he had to have been digging deep.
But think about it, one year, to focus on one ultimate goal.
That statement fueled The 39 Project.
When that popped in my head, you know between my mascara applications, I always pictured some snazzy branding to go with it , but really there are only twenty-four hours in a day.
So, what do you do when Goals make you run in fear? You create a Project. Because, really, that word is so relaxing.
The 39 Project.
The ultimate goal: Me. (that needs some work).
Really, you are witnessing a brainstorming session minus the flip charts.
It takes twenty-one days to break a habit (just googled it), so ultimately I would like to focus on one of the areas above for a month over the next year. Yes, I know some of those things will have to reworded, refocused and yes, I know there are 10. I am building in some failure time. Just kidding, I just couldn’t thinking of two more.
This will be fine tuned, but get ready: each month a different focus for me (and my family).
In the end, one year from now, I hope to writing to you as someone different. I hope to be stronger, less shattered. This is a must - this is the year to get this all together.