So, you may not have known that almost a month ago I did my first official “talk”. I shared my testimony while holding a microphone with lights shinning on me. Not my full story, but my healing from abortion (pretty much my last year and a half - if it’s even been that long). You can watch it here: Finding Hope in His Love After Living in the Shame of Abortion.
I admit I have not watched all of it, I really don’t think I have watch more than what it took to edit it down from the Facebook live version that was captured with my cellphone.
This was on the heals of an interview that I did about healing, you can view segments of it here, here and here. (click on the word “here” to got to the videos).
There was something that happened during that interview and something that just multiplied while doing my talk - I know exactly what it was. I spoke - I listened to God, I did has he directed, I opened my mouth and He let the words flow. And those words lead to help and healing for other women.
About four days ago when the last segment of my interview was posted on social media, I shared it saying this, “ when this interview aired live there was a women who needed to hear this portion and God's timing was absolutely amazing. You see, she listens to this station, but never on Sunday evening. On that Sunday, she decided to go grab a bite to eat and during her drive I was telling my story about the healing I received through Rachel's Vineyard. I spoke words that she needed to hear and I am overwhelming happy to say that she was in the next retreat held by New Heart of Texas Ministries and she has started her healing journey.”
As I spoke at Women of Hope, my words touched a woman in the audience and pray that after that evening, with the team from New Heart there, that she was able to start her healing process as well.
These are two confirming, amazing things I’ve been able to be a part of because I let God speak through me, through my story.
But do you want to know what I have learn, what I should have known would happen, but truly was not expecting? I truly believed that all the work I had done to this point would safeguard me from the devil (I am rolling my eyes as I type that). When you think the devil is done with you, watch out.
I looked up a few weeks after my talk and realized I had lost my joy - it was gone. I could blame it on work, on financial strain, on being a mother of a teenager or even on the drivers in Houston, but I knew exactly where it was coming from.
I’ve learned when my joy is lost the first thing I need to do is stop and identify the lies I am believing. Lies about myself, about my abilities, about my friends, about my family and about my God. Oh I wrote a really long post about the lies, but never published it because the biggest lie I was believing is that I had not made progress in my healing. And that lie carried to, “If you are not healed then you are failing at helping other women.” And you know were that leads? “You have failed, you cannot do this.” And that, my friends, is the devil’s favorite ammunition against me - the I am not qualified, I am not able, and I am not good.
Oh I struggle with that so badly. I could read books and verses over and over again, but if I believe just a little of the devil’s lies then I go straight down that rabbit hole.
So, what is the truth?
Well, the truth is I am dealing with the ripple affects of my abortions and how they play a part in my relationships today - I still struggle with things like intimacy because of the life I have lived. There are wounds that will take a little more time than others, but it doesn’t mean that I am failing. I have come a long way.
For example I had to drive to Austin, alone, recently for work. Now two years ago I would have worked myself into a full-on tizzy about driving for that distance alone. Two years ago, my anxiety was so bad I had panic attacks when asked to drive across Houston on a whim. Normally it would take me an entire week to work up my courage to take Shelby half way to North Texas. I lived in a world of fear, constantly. I believe God’s plan for my life was to take either my children or me from the earth as payment for what I had done.
That may sound way dramatic to you, but that statement is so typical for a post abortive woman. A woman who has not embraced the grace given to her, a woman who has not seen the other side of healing.
Fast forward to my road trip a month ago, I was perfectly calm, even excited about having two hours to drive to Austin. The stretch of highway from my house to Austin is the same path I take to get to the Farm House where I have experienced healing. I love that area of Texas. I drove up, no issues, had my meeting and headed home.
I was driving through the lost pines area it started to rain and then I found myself driving in near blinding rain. Two years ago you would have found my van on the shoulder of the highway, hazard lights blinking and me curled in a ball crying, but not on this trip. Twenty minutes into the horrid downpour I thought, “oh wow, I am doing this and I am fine!” If it was not raining I would have so called someone to share this joy, but I knew better than to reach for my phone.
It was absolutely amazing joy.
I never believed I could live without fear - I thought it was my lot in life. Even now, a month later I am amazed.
Things that like that - the loss of fear and anxiety - are a truth I need to hold onto when the devils is throwing attacks my way. The woman who just planned to grab a bite to eat, but wound up on a healing journey is what I need to hold onto when the devil whispers, “no one can hear you.”
And I need to remember praise the Lord for these stories, my story and the stories that are coming from it. Praise the Lord that I no longer live in a world of fear. Praise the Lord for the healing I have been able to receive that has lead me to the truth about my God.
With all my heart I will praise you, O Lord my God. I will give glory to your name forever,