Monday, June 20, 2016

Shut Up Devil

Oh, the devil has a hold of me good, lately.

And what do I do when I feel this way?

Yep, I come on here and type it all out hoping and praying in the end I will accept just how stupid my thoughts are and fully understand that I am falling into the lies. 

The lie that I struggle with the most, the one I just cannot get past is that I am Unqualified

The lie screams at me when things happen that make me feel like …

…my opinion is not valued
…others opinions are valued more than mine
…my voice isn’t being heard
…I accidentally say something stupid (or what I feel is stupid) (which when I am in this mood I feel like is just about everything that comes out of my mouth - because why else would I not be valued)
…I feel like I am being judged - oh hell, for anything, but the “how many framed diplomas do you have?” or the “you weren’t raised Lutheran?” (the later doesn’t get to me as much as the feeling like someone who has been through two more years of college than I have has a more valid voice than I do. 

I do not like being talked down to, I don’t like being shown “my place”. Not that this is a daily occurrence, but it really burns my hide. 

I have been told (by a licensed professional) that the anger that comes from being talked down to is a result of the life I have lived through.

And that’s the thing, I get hung-up on my perceived hang-up that I would be taken more seriously if I had a degree (especially from a school that most people in my denomination go to). And then that thought pattern leads to  - I would be taken more seriously if I was thinner, if I was taller, if I could spout bible verses (more that Proverbs 3:5-6), if I…urgh I don’t know. 

How insane does this all sound? 

Somedays I can see just how uniquely made I am and how that is a wonderful thing, but there are days like to day where the devil barges in and steals my joy. 

*blog title courtesy of my husband

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