Thursday, June 30, 2016



verb: anticipate with great apprehension or fear
         “Dana was dreading the process of healing”

noun: great fear or apprehension
          “the thought of returning to the farm house filled her with dread”


It’s the only word I can think of lately. 

The description is really unfair. It’s unfair to the retreat, unfair to the leaders, unfair to the process. 

But it’s the only word that comes to mind as I am two days away from my five-day retreat. 

Dread I think is the product of fear, the outcome of anxiety. Along with dread there is just stress. 

I have too much to do. 

There is so much on my plate right now. 

I have to leave meticulous notes for my family.  how to pack the girls’ lunch…how to take them to school…how to pack their backpacks…

I have to lay out dresses and shoes for church. I have to find their 4th of July attire. I have to over prepare so that they don’t miss me. 

Urgh, the devil knows where to pull me. He knows just where to hit, how to get me all worked up. It pisses me off (sorry). It takes me writing this out to see how ridiculous it all sounds. I will, still do parts of it because I love my husband and even though he knows the difference between a night gown and a church dress, I still want to help. 

I have to pack myself too. Am I going for the jeans & t-shirt attire? Probably. I know I will take the t-shirts I love, jeans and converse, so please tell me why I am stressing about packing? 

I find peace in the crap that I have kept hoarded away in the dark parts of my soul. 

That’s it. 

I have opened boxes and dumped out so much crap , so much pain, so much ugly here, publicly, honestly. There are no new “stories” that will come out during this healing retreat (at least I don’t think there will be). 

But what will come out is or shall I say the fear of what I might have to unpack is the “hows?” and the “whys?”. I get to unpack it all, sort through it and decide what to let go of. I am quiet sure I am meant to get rid of all of it - every hurt, every bit of shame, every moment of my life that sends chills down my spine. The moments that replay and cause tears to stream down my face. The events mainly that this girl lived through. 

The things she had done to her by others, the way she was treated , the situations that she found herself in. 

You never know - I might actually get past this and refer to that young girl as me. Do you notice how I do that? I morn for that girl, for what she saw, heard and felt at such a young age. For the life she lived - multiple lifetimes worth of life in a handful of years. 

This week it’s even harder for me because my counterpart during that time of my life, my best friend during the muck and yuck, is still there. She still lives in that life that I was blessed to leave behind. I fear that she still experiences the hurt, the hurt is still a daily occurrence for her. 

I seriously mourn for her, for the girl (actually woman) who has not felt the other side of the crap we lived in when we were 17. I fear that the experiences that cause my heart to drop are still part of her daily life. It’s sad - I hurt for her. But I can’t reach her - I’ve tried - she’s not ready. 

Why this week? Why did she have to be in such a close proximity to me this week? And also facing trouble while she was so close. Why wasn’t my first instinct to reach out, to attempt to help? I prayed for her. I prayed she would see where her life as lead her, to take inventory of her life as she approaches forty and I prayed for her to turn around. It’s not too late for her. 

It’s not to late for the girl in the picture about either. Just because I unpack it, doesn’t mean that I have to wear that life again. It doesn’t mean that I will go back there. That girl is indeed me, but I am not that girl anymore. The life that girl lived needs be handed off, the shame needs to given away. 

Completely and Totally honest…this just came up on my pandora. 

God I give You all I can today
These scattered ashes that are hid away
I lay them all at Your feet

From the corners of my deepest shame
The empty places where I've worn Your name
Show me the love I say I believe

O Help me to lay it down
Oh, Lord I'll lay it down

O let this be where I die
My Lord with thee crucified
Be lifted high as my kingdom fall
Once and for all, once and for all

There is victory in my saviors loss
and In the crimson flowing from the cross
Pour over me, pour over me

O let this be where I die
My Lord with thee crucified
Be lifted high as my kingdom fall
Once and for all, once and for all

O Lord I lay it down
O Lord I lay it down
Help me to lay it down
O Lord I lay it down

O let this be where I die
My Lord with thee crucified
Be lifted high as my kingdom fall
Once and for all

Help me to lay it down, Lord. Help me give this all to you and not look back. This is it, this is the final pieces, this where I lay it down - once and for all. 

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