Friday, January 29, 2016

Why Me?

“Why me?” is a question that Matt hears often come from my mouth. Somedays it is, “Why me?” when I am the lucky person who gets to change another poopy diaper. “Why me?” when my sewing machine gets jammed and I’m working on dismantling it into a million pieces just to find that my tension is off. “Why me?” was a normal question when our old van (Shirley) had a flat tire or an engine light came on or it ran out of gas without tell me that it was even low.

In the last year as I have recounted my story and found grace in all my yucky parts, Matt has heard “Why me?” in a different context. Not, “why did these things happen to me?”, but…

I’m telling you, I have tried to finish that sentence five times now and it just doesn’t sound right, so let me just tell you a story. 

I will spare the long winded details that lead me to Jamie Ivey’s blog, but I was there searching for something very important. As I was reading through the titles searching for a name that I thought I heard on one of Jamie’s podcasts, this post title hit me: We Are More Than the Worst We’ve Done. And the picture of Jamie standing outside of the Travis County Correctional Center peaked my curiosity. Okay, I will just admit that I was hoping it was a post about how Jamie had spent time in jail, not that I wished that on her, but I live for real grace stories. 

In the blog post she tells how she is part of a group that ministers to the women in Travis County. She describes the women and how they are there “through bad choices and circumstances.” She understands how much she can relate to them as a mother. Serious, you need to read this post:

Me, being me, I quickly left a comment thanking her for this post and told her a bit about me and my story - I am sure she thinks I am a crazy person. 

Then, as I went about my work, as I swept the dining room floor, as picked up toys, I couldn’t stop thinking about those women. I am quite sure I shouldn’t question God’s actions good or bad, but today I find myself asking him the same question I’ve done so often, “Why me, God?” I could have so easily been one of those women at the age of seventeen or even in my thirties. I could be waiting for my child to visit me on a Saturday. 

I can’t say I wouldn’t have the same feelings about redemption if I went on to the county jail seven years ago, if the district attorney did find reason to keep me that January morning. When I stop and think where I should be, where I could have been, if God had not picked this path for me I am awestruck…speechless…brought to knees - not sure if I can put words to this feeling. 

I pray those women get to feel their redemption through giving all their stuff over to Jesus, I pray that they get to see why God laid out this path for them. 

It reminds of 1 Peter 5:10: 

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

So, I am not really sure if this little ditty brought you any major realizations, but I just wanted to share it with you. 

I am HORRIBLE about thank you notes, and birthday cards, but I don’t think a million of them would truly convey how thankful I am for this, where I am today. This family, the ability to be a mother here with these girls everyday. 

If you listen to podcasts I strongly suggest Jamie's:

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