Right now I just need to write. As I start this I have no clue what then end will look like, at all. I woke up this morning in tears with an overwhelming feeling of depression. I wondered if this is what my Meme felt like when she struggled with depression. Just a blank sense of where it is coming from, just sad, just overwhelmed with life and the thoughts that go through your head. Not suicidal thoughts, just the devil’s foothold on my mind due most likely to hormones and a very long week.
For some reason I’ve become a closet over achiever. I say “closet” because from the outside you’d have no clue, but on the inside I WANT SUCCESS! I am not really sure what “success” is though. I just want to do “my best” on everything from writing and videos to a clean house and meal planning. I want to be a good friend, a good wife, a good mom, a good daughter all the while I think “what is a good me?” I am probably not making sense what so ever, but I will continue because when I write it releases the devil’s power (or his sense of power or my sense that he has power).
I suffer from comparison and have a Facebook/Instagram/YouTube addiction where you see the rosiest parts of everyone’s lives. I’m comparing my un-filtered cluttered bedroom to their perfect living areas. My clogged pores to their “flawless” skin. You name it, most days I’ll compare myself to it.
Then I stop. I have to say “stop, you’re being so stupid! Look around you.” A post comes across my TimeHop app reminding me of life 7 years to 8 years ago and I remember how far I’ve come. And man, my blessings. I have three amazing daughters who each day bring me such joy, but make me frantically search for the pause button because with all my business life is passing too fast. I am blessed to have a husband who even though running late for work will sit and hug me while I say, “I just don’t know why I am crying.” I have amazing friends who love me even when I have not seen them for a year and really it feels like I hadn’t missed a thing. And I’ve been blessed with new friends who will come to my aid even when I asked them to paint and cut foam till they are as exhausted as I am.
I am blessed! Do you hear that devil? I’ve GOT THIS! I KNOW that I AM LOVED! I am loved not only by the people I’ve just list, but by an amazing God who has redeemed me from the crap you are trying to pull me back into! I take back “I’ve got this” and lay down “He’s got this!” Because no matter how big the mountains may feel in my life HE HAS GOT THIS!!! And that is an amazing feeling!
Wow, that’s an amazing feeling. Breathe…I need that little pep-talk. Now off to make breakfast, put on a some make-up and kick today’s butt!!!!