Tuesday, May 12, 2015

My Story: Raw Feelings

I planned on writing yesterday. I planned on focusing on how great Mondays can be and how they allow for a fresh start. Mother’s day was good, but left me a bit melancholy as I am still sorting through my feelings about my last post. 

I’ve heard through the grapevine that people are really wanting to read happy posts from me and I do have a few planned, but today I need to get real with you, again. 

I’ve kept an open dialogue with Shelby during this entire process and Saturday she laid a question on the table that I carried in my heart all weekend. 

So in reality you have five children. You will see your babies in heaven, right? 

A question that has haunted me for years. 

This morning I searched the internet (hoping for direction to a verse in the bible) and saw that I am not the only one with this question. I am not the only one living with this pain. There are so many women like me living with the pain and morning children that we chose not to have. It’s sad, it’s heartbreaking, it makes we want to curl up in the corner and just cry. 

Yes, I believe I will be reunited with my children in heaven. And to be honest that brings me sadness when it should bring me happiness. Happiness that God’s got them and they are perfect just like all of us will be when we arrive in Heaven. 

My sadness is rooted in fear that is probably unjustified. Will they forgive me? Will they hate me? Will I know who they are? 

I am not sure how the whole Heaven thing will work out. I don’t know why I see in my mind an airport terminal. My loved ones waiting at my gate and as I walk through those doors I see signs that say “Dana’s Family” and I am reunited with my grandparents, my family, dear friends, and my children. I picture tears (which probably is not right - there is not crying in Heaven, right?) and see myself hugging my children. “I am so sorry that I was so self involved, I am sorry I didn’t think about you and God’s plan for your life, I am sorry that I chose to let you go. I am so so sorry.”

These feelings made mother’s day harder for me then years past. I just was not feeling like the mother of the year (do any of us actually feel this?). It’s hard to have Matt tell me that I am a great mom because this year I felt like I’ve really failed two of my five children. I know I can work through this, I know this is part of my healing and I know that God’s grace can heal these wounds. I just really, really thought they’d been healed, but that question it got me. 

I can say in the past week that I’ve held my girls longer, I’ve read even more books than before. I’ve given way more kisses than they want. I’ve spread love to five children through my three girls - not sure if that makes sense at all. I am thankful the God allowed me to have my babies and to get the opportunity to heal. 

Matt shared this post with me last week, it’s a good one, but since this is raw again it’s still hard to wrap my head around. 

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