Sunday, October 12, 2014

Tuesday Morning (really Sunday Evening)

Happy Sunday Evening. 

Matt got in this afternoon from a men’s retreat. That meant I was at home with the three girls alone. I’m running on very little sleep, but it was an okay weekend. Yesterday the girls built a fort - meaning I helped Shelby build a fort - in the dinning room which was quickly demolished (the littles just didn’t get it). 

For the past two nights I’ve worked myself up in to huge anxiety/panic…well I wouldn’t say panic attacks, but I’ve worked myself up enough that I finally passed out around 3 am each night. Last night I think was worse than Friday. I double checked doors and made sure I had the outside lights on even though the street light is at the the end of our driveway and it looks like mid-day all night long. I sat in bed after watching a few episodes of Grey’s Antimony on Netflix and played through all the “what ifs” that could happen. Then I prayed - a lot. This is normal stuff for me. I should be used to what my anxiety does to my body, but sometimes it catches me off guard making me stop and think “Am I really getting this worked up?” I know it’s not “normal”. I know it’s not “healthy.” All I can say is I’m working on it. I make a pretty strong effort to do things to not set off my anxiety and I also pray - lots of praying. 

Funny thing is after sitting up most of the night worrying about someone breaking into my house, I woke up feeling tired (of course) and not in the greatest mood. I got the girls fed and everyone ready for church (a little behind schedule because Morgan’s pants kept falling off). We get our things together to leave and I can’t find my keys. We search and search then finally decide to take the spare one which means we have to leave through the garage. We all get in the van, pull out of the drive way and Shelby yells “There are the keys! They are in the front door!” All night long, I tell you, my keys with my car key, hung neatly in the deadbolt on our front door with the porch light shining right on them. I felt so stupid about leaving my keys and I felt stupid worrying about someone breaking in when I left the key for them. Oh Man!

So, a week ago as Matt was wrapping up our Bible Study he reminded everyone that he would be gone and then announced that I would be leading the bible study. (insert a stunned looking emoji here) I am not sure what part of “we are holding a bible study together” meant I wasn’t going to ever lead a study. I don’t know…I thought maybe he’d forget about it and just lead all of them. He’s good at it - He doesn’t have to look at the book for questions and he sure doesn’t read his closing prayer from the book like I do - the prayer he usually writes for me. 

As I’m writing this and thinking “not really sure what the big deal was, I’ve lead this exact bible study before and I lead another group that focuses on talking about God at home with your children.” I think it’s the whole following my husband thing. You see about a month ago as I was leading the before mentioned study, on my own, one of the study members said “Don’t worry, You’re a Bahn, you can do anything” to which I cringed. I love being a Bahn and I do believe that Bahn’s can do amazing things, but oh man I am not one of those Bahns. When I said “I do” in October 2010 I wasn’t magically filled with talents like my father in-law or my husband. I do believe I have many, many talents of my own, but unfortunately being able to answer all your questions about the bible is not one of them (at least not yet). Neither is praying out loud even though I’m happy to report I didn’t it twice today without a script. 

So today I prayed (again…see a pattern?) and I decided to just be me. I am very transparent and try to not be too self deprecating, but I want the room full of 30 somethings to know that hey, I didn’t really get the chapter either, but we are in this together, so let’s see where this leads us. I also admitted that I got lost somewhere after Deborah stabbed a man with a tent stake and Gideon asked God, yet again to prove himself. Gold star to whomever can tell me what chapter we were studying. 

Do you know what happened when I was me and showed them that “hey I might not know everything that my husband does about the bible, but I’m pretty fun to listen to and I’ll even give you some deep stuff about me”? They opened up. A group that had been pretty silent in the past started talking, and breathing, and relaxing. Oh man that feeling when the room changes and people enjoy the sound of their voice during a bible study - I love it. It’s what makes me want to be just like my father in-law, to learn as much as possible and teach others the good news. But at the same time I flinch back…man that means I’d have to pray out loud, right. 

The chapter we are studying focuses around this:

God is in the business of bringing sinful people back into relationship with him; sometimes to accomplish a god, he calls on surprising and unexpected people to help in the process. 
{taken from The Story}

I admitted to the room that I am one of those people and that’s when the mood lightened. I shared my testimony (parts - abridged) to a group of people I’ve known about a week. 

I have no idea what I’ve done to deserve the life I have today, except that I turned my life over to God. I was unmarried mother at 23. I got married early in my daughter’s life. My marriage ended in divorce. When Matt’s profile popped up on eHarmony and he said he was a pastor’s son I thought “well, at least we could have coffee, but I am sure that’s as a far as he would want to take it with me.” You see my list of sins (which at the time I kept a running list of and beat myself up daily over) was so drastically longer than Matt’s. Matt had a great stable, upbringing and I was a wayward child who lived in a station wagon on the beach when I was 17. I did nothing to deserve to be part of a pastors’ family (not really sure what I mean by that - we are a normal family). This is something I struggled with a lot during the start of my marriage and I went through a lot of healing. Because of that feeling of being unworthily due to my past sin I have the word “Restored” tattooed on the inside of my left wrist as a remind for me - a daily, sometimes hourly reminder - that I have been restored from my past. My slate has been wiped clean. I have been restored through Jesus Christ. So, I am one of the people that God brings back and he has called me to do surprising things, things I wouldn’t have even dreamed of 10 years ago. 

I think that’s what I told them…maybe not word for word. I glanced around the room, thinking I’d see a bunch of people attempting to not make eye contact with me, but instead I was filled with faces of love. Oh man, I love that. I love sharing my story and sharing how God can work in people’s lives. I really don’t know what else to say, but it was amazing. Now, I hope that they all come back next week and that I didn’t drive anyone away. 

Tonight I sit and think, Am I Gideon? Do I keep asking God to prove to me that I should be in ministry? That I should sit with His word more and absorb more so I can reach others? I hope, like with Gideon, he is patient and continues to confirm even when I ask over and over again. 

Matt created the title of this post…just so you know. 

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