I’ve debated this morning as to whether or not I would write and post my thoughts because I have no wonderful outcome – no action for you – no great example for others to live by.
A few weeks ago our Pastor delivered a sermon called something like giving the devil a foothold. I am feeling this full force this week. Now, I am not doing anything that outwardly sinful. You couldn’t walk up to me and say “Ah, I see your sin right there, right there and umm right there.” My sin is internal; it is things I am doing to myself – battles of the mind that are damaging my spirit.
Last week I let someone, who I didn’t even know, steal a part of my happiness, I let this person make me think that I’ve done evil to another person when really I hadn’t. JAG said this is due to be people pleaser attitude. Am I such a people pleaser that I could let someone whom I have never met or had a conversation with change the way I feel about myself? Possibly. Thinking about it though, I had to have already had a crack in my self-worth to let something like what happened affect me so badly.
I keep hoping it’s just the pregnancy. After I get more sleep and stop feeling so awful things will be better. I haven’t read the word in weeks, I also haven’t prayed expect the prayers that JAG has led me through to calm the overwhelming anxiety that has taken me over – an outward showing of sin that he sees, but most others do not.
I am not perfect. I wish one day I would understand that statement and understand that no one is meant to be perfect. There are many days where I say I am not perfect, but I should be. This attitude starts a battle in my mind that normally puts me where I am today. I am allowed to be imperfect – I need to understand that. JAG loves all my imperfectness. My friends love all my imperfectness. Most of all God knows every single imperfect part of me, even the ones no else sees, and he loves me so much. I am allowed to make mistakes. I am allowed to have car accidents. I am allowed to mess up. I am not allowed to sit and wallow in it, though. I am not allowed to get my spirit bruised. I am not allowed to let the devil get a foothold over my feelings.
So, I guess I was wrong I was able heal myself some with this post. I am not as much of a hopeless mess as I thought. I will be ok. I will be better than ok – I will be awesome. I just need a few days to heal myself.
I think these are a good start:
Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous be shaken. ~ Psalm 55:22 NIV.
Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. ~1 Peter 5:7 NIV. I need to remember who the Him is in the verse…it’s not JAG – poor guy gets my anxiety cast on him all the time.
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. ~Isaiah 41:10 NIV.
Today I will read, I will pray and I will continue to write because those are the things that help me heal my self-inflected wounds caused by the battles in my mind.
I will also sit in thanksgiving for all that I have. I am so truly blessed right now for my girlfriends every single one of them bring me such joy. From silly long texts to catching up the parking lot at church – I love each of you so much!