This blog has been rolling around in my head for months and today I left that it needs to be put down on paper (oh, I guess we can’t use that phrase anymore). Today, I actually heard myself say “I just want to go to sleep and when I wake up all my problems will be solved and I won’t have to deal with any of this.” Ever had that feeling?
The past few months it has been apparent that JAG and I are in a thirty-something funk. We are stuck at a cross roads in life, a valley, a point where we breathe out and say ok now what? Not in or relationship just with life in general. I may have started and pulled him in – that is usually the we roll.
My friend Nicole and I were talking a few months ago about how our thirties are not fun – they are not what we expected. In your thirties you have things like mortgages, car payments and large electric bills (at least some of us do). There is very little money left for a summer shoe shopping spread and if you do splurge for a fashionable new pair of wedges you fee horrible the next day because you could have bought two meals for your family (maybe more) with the money you spent on those shoes. Things like that are in the front of your mind. It becomes more apparent that you are the leader of your home even though you have been a parent for years – I hope that makes sense to at least a few people.
In your thirties you prepare yourself to say your goodbyes to your grandparents if you still have any – I have just one left and we all know that day to day struggle. You are faced with reality that your parents are fastly approaching their seventies (my mom just slammed her hands on the desk and said I AM NOT SEVENTY YET!). I don’t think Fastly is a word, but you know what I mean. You are faced with your parents not being as healthy or as lively as they once were. You spend the afternoon thinking what steps would you take if they could no longer care for themselves – you stop and hear the inner kid screaming “we are too young for this.” The fact is we are not too young any longer – we are thirty-somethings who are fastly approaching forty.
Where did the time go? Wasn’t it just the other day you were driving around in your two-door sports car thinking about your major worry of the week – should I pay all my cellphone bill this month or go blow some money at North Park…at least that is what I was doing in my early twenties. Mind you it was my really early twenties since I became a mom at twenty-three.
I have to stop a minute and count my blessings. I am in no way ungrateful for what I have. I have friends who want mortgages, I have friends who would give anything for babies and I friends who are no living without parents. I am blessed by everything that God has given me.
I think I am just at cross roads, a valley – I am waiting for and pray for God to show me the paths that he wants me to take. Last week I wrote (on paper) many times about this funk here is a little bit of what I wrote:
I want to find something I have passion for, something I believe in, something that is more than getting a check every two weeks. I want to smile about it and have zeal. I want to say look at this, it’s so AWESOME and it’s my passion and I am good at it!
Ever had that feeling? Possibly you are living your dream, you have found what has given you zeal (I cannot believe I have used that word twice – I have never used that word before). Possibly you are sharing with the world your AWESOME thing. I am a mother – that is awesome and that gives me zeal and I hold my babies up and say “look what I did!” Unfortunately, that doesn’t pay the bills – I wish it did because I would have more and more of them.
I am a child of God! Jesus died for my sins and I am forgiven and saved! That is AWESOME! I would love to share that with the world and have zeal (heehee) from that statement, but am I ready? Is that the path I am supposed to take – I just rambled off into something knew, are you following me?
Am I not praying enough? Am I trying to control situations that are not in my control what so ever? Do I believe I can do a better job managing my life then He can? Hmmm…more than likely, I don’t mean doing a better job. More than likely I am trying to run things that are not in my control and more than likely I need to pray and more than likely I have pushed myself off of my path a bit and it need to let go to get readjusted. I am sure I just lost a few people, but if you are still with me then you understand.
Anyway – a funk has come over my house because again if I am off kilter then I normally pull JAG in with me so that everyone is off.
Since it is Saturday, here is your reward for staying with me through all of my rambling:
This came up on my Pandora as I was writing this entry and I thought I would share.