Monday, March 12, 2012

Pity Party

I have been holding it in, but on this Monday morning I have to let it all out or I am going to lose my ever loving mind!!! Had those moments?

Let’s see…where to begin…

My tooth!!! Do you remember I told you that I have to get a root canal? I now have to have two of them and two crowns and on Sunday afternoon one my teeth broke. It’s not has painful to my mouth as it is to my ego – maybe ego isn’t the right word. I just feel yucky about having a tooth that is so bad that it breaks. Yuck! So I get to deal with until the end of the month. It hurts to eat and I now have a shard of tooth that cuts the side of my mouth. 

When I go in I will be sedated, does that make anyone else nervous? I just know I will start running my mouth and say a bunch of stuff that no one wants to know about me – I keep telling myself to remember to hush. 

I hate to admit, but I have been in a spiritual funk for about a month now. It’s difficult to explain. It’s  not that I have changed my core beliefs at all, I guess I am just struggling with change from a large contemporary environment. I am still learning what being Lutheran means as well. I guess I can just sum it up as I am going through somethings, trying to find my place and all of this could very well be caused by all of the outside things I have going on right now.

Our refrigerator is driving me crazy! It decides when it wants to cool and when it doesn’t. I have officially lost everything currently residing inside of the big heap of metal! We are doing our best to repair instead of replace because if you didn’t know two root canals and two crowns aren’t  cheap. This is just so frustrating and I am not sure after these repairs if I will trust the thing enough buy groceries to fill it back up. 

We have made the decision to find Duke, our two-year old Boxer, a new home. This is an emotional, but long thought out decision. Duke deserves a better life then what we are giving him. He deserves a family whose schedules work better with the type of exercise and attention he needs. I am doing my best to not feel like we have failed – I know this is for the best – I just hate having to make decisions like this, it makes me dread being a grown-up. 

Now, surprisingly the most difficult part of the blog to type. I believe that I started this blog with the intent not to sugar coat things and I have stuck true to that and do not portray my life as being all rainbows and unicorns. I also have believed since the beginning that there are topics that are meant for the blog and topics mean for the journal – both someday will be read by my children, so I want to make sure that I do not say something I will regret having them read in the future. That conclusion has come with age and maturity that I didn’t have during the start of this blog. All that being rambled out…my life with my x-husband isn’t dreamy – has it ever really been? Strike that, it was once, but hasn’t been in years. As the time passes since our divorce and life happens we have found that our dislike for each other grows. We do not have to like each other, but we both have to love Shelby and I think we are doing that.

Where are you going with this Dana? 

I am trying my best to not unleash the words that have been building in me for the past month. It is not my intent to speak badly of anyone, but lately things have been said about me publicly that are not accurate or appropriate for my daughter to see at some point in the future. The most frustrating part of it is that I am trying my best to be diplomatic about our situation and in return I have told I am not Christ-like and my parenting skills have been questioned for the world to see. It’s not horrible – I have been through worse in my life, but with everything else going on it is one of those thorns that keep festering. Again, I am doing my best to be mature and take the highroad, but have to say it is a daily struggle to not get hot headed. I my goal is to put Shelby and her well-being first before anything else – that is the reason behind all the choices I make and I plan to keep it that way. 

So, by this point you can hopefully understand why I needed a pity party this morning. When I feel like if I get one more thing put on my plate I will snap I remember: I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13. 

In The Power of a Positive Mom, Karol Ladd states “If you cannot see any positives, then hold on to his one fact: God loves you and will be with you through the difficulties.” I think it was timely that in the middle of all of this I lead a bible study base on The Power of a Positive Mom book and the topic was pitty parties – don’t you just love when that happens.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Thank you for reading my blog. I love hearing from you, please leave comments below!