Monday, July 18, 2011

Love You So Much

Last Sunday I went and saw my Meme. It had been awhile and had been eating at me because I knew I would feel some guilt if something happened and I didn’t get one more chance to see her.

Earlier in the week my mother had told me how my grandmother had a moment of clarity and thank goodness my aunt was there. My aunt filled her in on everything including mine and my cousin’s pregnancies. After hearing everything she was gone again.

I made JAG drive me to her (which is only about 30 minutes from our house) after church. I debated if it was the right time for him to meet her. It’s odd – normally Meme would have known everything about JAG – she would have loved him just like everyone else does, but I don’t feel like I should subject either one of them to that at this time. I would love for JAG to meet my Meme that wouldn’t leave the house with out make up on, who always smelled of white shoulders perfume and would say “praise you Jesus” under her breath – oh how I miss that Meme. Right now I believe that it would just confuse my grandmother to bring someone new in – she wouldn’t understand.

So I was brave and went in alone, like I have done so many times in the past three years. I found her in one of the open rooms and as soon as her eyes met mine she lit up – it was great to know that she still remembers that I belong to her. I pulled up a chair next to her wheel chair and sat down. The first thing she said was “you look so pretty.” Then she tried to communicate more, but with her most recent stroke controlling her tongue has become a challenge.

I was good at first – I had already prepared JAG for tears which he knew would come even before I said so. I did as I usually do and asked “Do you know who I am?” She just looked at me – her eyes are like looking in a mirror and I said “I am Dana.” She got a little red around the eyes (like I am as I type this) and she said “love you so much.” I tried not to ball (as I am now). I just took her hand and told her that I loved her too. I don’t like it when she gets emotional in this state – I constantly reassure her that everything is fine, she is fine and I am fine.

We sat for awhile just holding hands and I thought as I normally do – my hands will look exactly like that one day. I felt a good cry building in my throat and knew I needed to leave before I upset her. So I said “I’ll be back and see you real soon.” I told her I loved her and she said she loved me too. She gave me a big hug and I told her to behave herself. She followed me with her eyes as I left the room – I turned around with a tear already streaming down my cheek and waived goodbye. URGH – would be it be this hard if I was pregnant? I think yes. My voice cracked as I told the nurse thank you – my grandmother has a great nurse these days.

As I pushed open the doors and took a deep breathe of fresh air – I lost it – full on can’t catch a breathe crying. I didn’t know if I could make it to the car, but I did and JAG was there waiting with a hug and Kleenex. Praise You Jesus.

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