Monday, June 6, 2011

Urgh I am so Pregnant

Are you ready for random blabbering this Monday morning…I am not even sure pictures will be included in this post – sorry.

I cried three times yesterday. Even though I am one to shed a tear at the drop of a hat I really can’t remember the last time I had cried – I made up for it yesterday.

My first cry was amongst the wise women I spend almost every Sunday morning with (I say almost because we missed week before last). We had a discussion that was not inline with our bible study topic – I love those. This discussion led me to remember the night I spent up with James when he was at a very low point. I spent hours with him by instant messenger telling him how much he was truly loved by his friends and his family – he needed it and I needed to tell him. This thought led me to the feeling that it was all in vain since he was gone from my life less than a year later. I still find myself lost in thought over James – the what ifs, the anger and just the pure sadness that his life was cut so short. I miss him – not daily anymore, but the feeling is not gone from my life – it probably never will be. Haven’t met James yet? Please visit the post about him here:
Just so you know – I know that that night was not in vain – it was a night that the two of us needed – a night that changed both of our lives and I was blessed to get almost another year with him.

That feeling of still missing someone over a year after their passing makes the second reason I cried more understandable – being the second wife. I have been the second wife in both of my marriages, but with Gweedo it was different- Gweedo had a long drawn out divorce from his first wife and with every fight over tables and dishes the more the dislike occurred between him and her. My situation with JAG is much different, but at the same time I knew what I was getting into, so I cannot complain and I don’t, but I do cry. I don’t think it is a selfish cry. I can’t say I have come to realize – I’ve always known that JAG’s first wife would always be a big part of our life, but as a second wife I fight guilt. When my husband is missing his first wife so much that he gets stuck in days of sadness I wonder if there is something more I could do. Am I not doing enough to fill that hole? Then I stop myself and think there is no one – not even my husband who could fill the hole I have in my life due to losing James. JAG’s first wife and I are much different and there is no replacing her – I know this, but there are times I cry for him – I want to fix it – make it all better, but find my self frustrated and the pure fact that there is no making it better – and I of all people should know this.

My third reason for crying will have to wait until later this week – let’s just say it lead me to Proverbs 3:5 again and to sing the Sixpence None the Richer song in my head again and again yesterday.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;

Don’t worry I didn’t cry all day – I did laugh some. I also enjoyed an evening service at my old (I almost typed home) church last night – more on that tomorrow because trust me it requires an entire entry to itself.

I am fine – the crying is supposed to be normal and no one would say that any of them were unjustified – I am just so pregnant and ready for October 4th to be here so I can get part of my sanity back.

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