Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Guilty

Do you ever feel guilty as a parent?

For some reason this morning guilt came over me as I dropped Shelby off at school 45 minutes early to head to a job that gives me no satisfaction other than a paycheck.

As I pulled out of the parking lot I played all of the “should haves” in my head. I should have finished college so I would be teaching school right now (that was my first major). Then it falls into the dreaded…I should have listened to my parents. My thought quickly jumps to  - if I would have stay in college then I probably wouldn’t have Shelby right now – so that is a no go.

Shelby and I should have stayed in the apartment and not bought a house, then I would have been 2 minutes from her school, but since my office moved she still would have had to be there super early. Also, if I didn’t buy my house, then I wouldn’t have met JAG. If I didn’t meet JAG then there would be no Bekah – so that is a no go.

I just wish things were different – some things – not everything. I am happy with my family. I am in love with my husband. I am so blessed to be a mother to Shelby and to the baby that is growing (and kicking) inside of me. Unfortunately, there are days like today when I feel like something is missing. When I sit and dwell on things I could have done differently that would have meant a different outcome/life for Shelby. When I wish my job wasn’t so lack luster and I was doing something that helped people – that had a meaning and a goal.

Many days it is just wanting the ability to be with at home after she gets out of school, to be there for all of her school activities and not having to drop her of 45 minutes early.

I probably shouldn’t feel guilty – that is not necessarily the correct emotion and Shelby was not the only child at school that early this morning.  




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