Monday, March 21, 2011

Emotions, Family and New Endeavors.

I have been neglecting my blog – I know. I pull up a document to start typing and the fear of boring you to death comes to mind. Lately, I have been tired and whiney. Lots of whiney if you ask my husband and probably a little too tired. I have hit my second trimester – yay! I thought my twelfth week would bring energy and happiness. Happiness yes, energy – no. I feel like I am still having major caffeine withdrawals. I so want a venti Skinny Vanilla Latte every chance I get – but I haven’t had one. The coffee kills my stomach along with the fact that carbonation makes me belch like and old man – therefore I sit at my desk lifeless and so so tired – that might be a bit dramatic.

Pregnancy hormones are still going strong. I have cried in the garage, the bathroom at work and the middle of Petsmart. We went in to get dog food and the memory of Beau hit me like a ton of bricks. I am sure people thought I was crazy – I am positive JAG did. I just remember the sound of his little seal like paws running on the cement and how he helped himself to one of their chairs and just looked at me like “this is where dogs sit.” It is two month shy of a year and I still get emotional thinking about it. Even now I as I type, I wipe away a tear – it’s hard to wear mascara these days.

My poor husband is such a trooper. He stands there and hugs me in the parking lot as I am crying. There are days when I act like a crazy mess and my excuse is always “I am pregnant.” His response is always “I know isn’t it awesome” followed by an occasional “I can’t wait to have another one.” He is serious when he says this.

Lately, I don’t know, things have changed for me. There was a time in my life where I wanted to big house and the nice cars and I would work to get those things. Now I just want to be at home with my family. I am praying so hard that some miracle would occur and I could stay at home after I had this baby. Then dishes would be washed and laundry would be done in a timely manor. I could cook, really cook and not just whip something up – who am I kidding I haven’t cooked in three months. I would trade the tvs, the cable, my nice clothes and extra food that goes bad in the refrigerator for the opportunity to be at home when Shelby go there after school. To build our new family everyday myself and not have my new baby in a daycare more then she (or he) is at home. Isn’t this most people’s wish though? It’s a huge sacrifice. Vacations would be smaller and you would not hear us saying “so where do you want to go for dinner?” Then again, it would be simple. Simple and just what I need. I may even venture into cloth diapers if it meant I had the opportunity to be there more then I am away. Just a thought.

For some reason that paragraph makes me feel like a being selfish. It isn’t that I don’t want to work. I don’t have plans to spend my days with my feet up watching Oprah – I just want to be at home. I have started a new business venture that may possibly help, but it scares me a little. My husband has pointed out two major flaws things about me lately. One if something makes me scared I don’t do it. If I am nervous about calling someone – I won’t call. I just can’t seem to get over that hurdle. Also, I am scared (or you may call it anxious) about everything and that anxiety has multiplied with this pregnancy. I wish I could stop it and I pray about it, but then I get anxiety because I am not sure if I prayed the right thing or I find myself in an entire other realm of anxiety. I know I am making myself sound crazy and sometime I feel that way – it’s the pregnancy. I am sure in October this will all go away – please, please say it will. I guess the first step is admitting you have a problem. I have one, maybe two – well ten problems – now I just have to take the steps to correct them.

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