Saturday, December 11, 2010

Divorce

Let me pretense the blog by saying a few things. One all things happen for a reason. God knows my beginning and my end and I know that where I am right now is where I was meant to me. I love my JAG with all my heart and we are not divorcing. Also, if I had to go back I would not remarry my xhusband, gweedo and if you read my blog you will know all the reasons why.


With that being said, though, I stumbled upon a blog last week about a woman who left her husband. They are looking divorce straight in the face. She was so transparent with her feelings that I was almost in tears. I wanted so badly to reach out and give her a big hug. If had the opportunity I would and then I would sit her down for a long talk – that I am about to give you.

Oh I would never want to be called an expert at divorce – that is just ugly or even an expert at interpersonal skills – I am just me sharing with you my feelings.

I really can’t say if something happened that I could go back that I would or would not do things the same way, but I have come through the past three years with a new outlook on marriage and divorce.

First and foremost I would say do not give up. We may have – I know at the end I gave up on my marriage. I got to the point of complete hopelessness where I said it would be easier to leave then to stay and fight more. I had no fight left in me. Little did I know that leaving wasn’t a piece of cake either – not for me and definitely not for my daughter.

Even though things have gotten tons better with Shelby she still struggles. She went the first year thinking that her parents would get back together and was completely crushed when her father remarried. She had to work through – with help – tons of anger. She was angry at me because I left the house that she had always known. Then that anger turned toward her father and new stepmother after they got married. Everything has leveled out and she loves her step-parents, but she still struggles with leaving me every other weekend. In her mind, if she had it her way, all four of us (me, JAG, Gweedo & his wife) would all be with her all the time – could you picture it?

Secondly, when you are facing this cross roads no matter how easy it seems to get advice and counsel from family do not make that your primary source. Lets face it as parents we love our children and do not want them to hurt. In many cases we can only see our child’s side and then we react out of emotions only. My mother bounced back and forth I think. At first she was dead set against me getting a divorce – this changed with actions from Gweedo. Once she saw exactly what I went through she understood – but we got divorced remember. I think – I am not sure- that if we tried to reconcile after our separation that there would be issues between my family and him. I definitely know there would be between his family and me. Do you see what I am saying? You need a neutral third party – someone without biases – someone who may not know either of you. At the same time that person needs to open enough to say “both of you have things you need to change.”

Lastly -since I feel like I am just rambling and not providing you with anything decent- remember no one said this would be easy. I am not talking about Divorce – I am talking about Marriage. Six weeks ago JAGdad did not stand in front of me and say “Do you take JAG for happiness 100% time with birds always chirping and never any arguments?” Nope…didn’t happen. You see the honeymoon ends and you are back to bills, groceries and a dog that pees in the middle of the living room floor. It’s not easy – it takes work. You go through your ups and downs. He changes which leads you to change. Your change changes him some more.

There is one thing that I have in this marriage that I did not have with Gweedo – wait two things. First, the commitment that God comes first – always has with our relationship and always will. Let me say, though, there are strong Christians whose marriages end in divorce I am not blind to that, but that is one thing that Gweedo and I did not work on. As someone told me before we got married – we were not equally yoked. I thought I was yoked enough for the both of us – Wrong! Now JAG and I we are equally yoked – may not see eye to eye on political things, but we know where God stands in our life and marriage. If it is not God that you believe in then are your beliefs in-line with your husband’s? It’s extremely difficult to be successful if everyone isn’t playing for the same goal in mind.

Also, if you had not heard, JAG and I pretty much can tell each other anything. We are both gifted with the skills of conversation. We were like this from day one – no practice – no book, we just opened our mouths and out it came. It has helped tremendously.  I know that for some it takes some work, but again no one said it would be easy, so work at it. Hell, what harm could it do when you are faced with divorce – how much worse could it get if you really got out your feelings – non-harming feelings – saying “You are so stupid” is harmful. A counselor can help you with this – trust me your marriage is worth the money.

Oh, this has gotten so long and I am not sure if I have helped anyone. I guess what I am trying to say is Divorce as many know is not the first answer to the problem. At least please don’t let it be. Try everything, everything to find the love that you once had because it’s in there somewhere. I can say that and not feel like a hypocrite because I did give up too soon. I did not attempt to find that love and now it is gone with Gweedo – don’t worry I don’t bat an eye about it. My love for him is like my love for any other child of God, but you know as I said before God knows I would be here today, so he had to have known that I was not meant to love Gweedo anymore than that.

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