Thursday, July 29, 2010

Failure

I refuse to get all dramatic and say “I am failing life,” but let’s say I feel like it. At least I feel like I am failing parts of life therefore it is time to re-evaluate. Ok…everyone…breath; the only relationship I am changing is my relationship with higher education.
School has recently become so frustrating to me. I unfortunately, put myself into a career path that does not fall into the “Cs get degrees” category. Also, the lovely financial aid bored that is helping me with this endeavor doesn’t agree with that statement either.
I feel like I screwed myself by trying to take summer courses and maintain my GPA to the level they require. You see when I was young (and oh so stupid) I let four classes F instead of dropping them. URGH…pissed at myself and this is the primary reason why my GPA is low enough to be on academic probation.
Now, I can’t seem to pass anything! Or at least get a B which is what will get me into the nursing program I wish to go into (an A would be much better, but come on please just one B).

So this evening when I pull up my grades and see I flunked another test I sit discouraged. I wonder if nursing is where I need to be. If I don’t going into nursing then what will I do for a career? Do I need a quote un-quote career?
Tonight I sit and ponder. I think about the level in which I am currently running my life. I do not see a single aspect of it where I am actually giving my 100% because I feel like I have no mental ability left to do that. This past week, I studied 6 out of 7 evening, 3 to 4 hours a day. I thought for sure I would at least pass. While taking the exam I thought my knowledge of the subject was much stronger then when I took the last test. I guess I was wrong. Maybe it is distance learning. Maybe my brain has too much information in it and I can’t take anymore.
Bottom line…right now, in my life I want to be a good mother. After October 30th, I want to be a good wife and a good mother. I am not sure if I can pull that off while attending school 2 nights a week (from 6 to 9 pm), being a girl scout troop leader and making sure Shelby gets to cheer practice 4 nights a week (from 6 to 8 some nights). Along, with helping her get through the four grade successfully (if it’s anything like 3rd we will have issues).
So as I get ready for bed this evening…my question to pray on is “Do I continue with school in the Fall or take the time to adjust to my new marriage and determine what I want to be when I grow up?”  I told JAG I just want to be a mother and a wife. He said “that is ok by me.” Why do I feel like I should be something more than that? Maybe that is the question I need to answer. 

1 comment:

  1. I was going through the same thing! It is crazy but my husband told me the same thing before we got married. I knew then that he would support me in any direction I wanted to go in my life. With my family by my side I dicided to spend more time at home with the kids (4) and my husband. I am substitute teaching instead of full time and loving it! I am going to go back to school this fall to take a few classes. (we will see how that goes). By the way love your blogs!!
    Tiffany B Hoff

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