I really do not want to make this blog about him, my x, who has now become my worst nightmare. But hell...need to vent and Ya'll have to listen.
So...checked his myspace today because that is what I do to make sure he is in a normal standing. So I know what my weekend will bring. Well Mr. Man updated his profile and it now says.
"Crushed but not outdone, bravery is facing your fears and not succumbing to such things as quotes from dead starletts and sayings from man. If you have any scruples in that dipshit thick head of yours is that god loves you and your resting your ideals on a woman who use to adulter with the president. Dana i seriously wonder what you believe sometimes. Do you know? I am serious i am not being a smart ass, do you know what you believe in and stand for, or are those ideals fleeting when it gets rough. I will pray for me to get over you tonight because we really arent even on the same dedication levels."
Why is this burning me alive, not really sure at the moment. No, he didn't push a button (well not a big one).
I get pissed off at the use of God (in his statement, not in everyday life). People anger me when they use God only when they want to. I think that my leaving him because he couldn't stop using, stealing and lying is not my pushing away God. I think that this relationship has made me question God some, but I have friends who are helping me through that. My thing with the use of God is where was God in his life when he stole, when he lied, when he manipulated the situation over and over again. It's like God is gone then all of a sudden you are clean so not only are you going to follow God you are going to use God to get me back. Please...I believe the pull I had, the depression I couldn't budge, the fact that I was the one in handcuffs was God telling me "Times up Dana. You've given him enough. Now you shall live for yourself. Time to get your priorities straight."
What I believe in and what I stand for?
I believe that every action that I take on earth is judged in Heaven. I believe that if I sin and ask for forgiveness I will be forgiven. I believe that no one is without sin. I know that I can not and will not punish others for their sinning, it's not my job.
Now what I stand for...in relation to this awful relationship I am trying my hardest to get away from, I stand for saving my daughter from the hurt. Protecting her until the bitter end. If this means that I walk away then I walk away. I gave him every piece of me and in return what shit on over and over again. I almost lost my child. My child was scared to live in her own home. I lost money. I lost the trust of my family. I lost my longest and oldest friends. I lost just about everything. Then it stopped and I am rebuilding my life. I am not stopping my life. I will continue to post blogs even though I know he reads them. I will leave not my front windows closed in fear that he might be peeking in. I will continue to live, to be happy, to love! I DESERVE IT!
I am moving on, growing up, and taking a moment to realize I deserve more then he could ever give me. It's hard and it hurts, but not because I miss him. It hurts because my dream of what he was supposed to be and what he could be is crushed.
In my blog Making it As A Morrison I ended with two quotes. One from Marilyn Monroe. He references her above. All I have to say about his statement is "you are no better then her. Your actions prove it." Marilyn was a wise woman who made mistakes. I think we can all wish that is what people would say about us after we are gone "She was wise, but she made some mistakes."
I am ending with another quote.